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Tuesday, May 16th, 2006
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10:36 pm - fin.
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"What is a lucidogen?" It came from a wonderful song by the Young Gods, way back in 2000. Nobody's ever answered the question to my satisfation.
I switched handles sometime in 2002 (Phenylalanine -> Lucienne), and I have often wished I had shut down my blog the day we picked my engagement ring, to leave behind the warm impression of a young woman with a shining future, full of hope and happiness. Some trouble would have been avoided had I done so, and nobody would have been any wiser about what happened next. But reading all of this critically in the present, I'm glad I didn't. There were no blogs, no first-hand accounts or advice available when I needed them, when that phone call that stops time came, and for the sake of science I won't be deleting a word. It's not a fun story, but it's a real one, and I took notes. So here they are. As of today, this blog is closed.
If you want to talk to me, email luxbabylon @ yahoo.com.
Thank you for reading. Peace, and be happy. :)
The greatest thing you'll ever learn is to love and be loved in return.
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| Saturday, May 13th, 2006
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9:05 pm - first impressions
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Nintendo: Best in show! A darling guy from our night crew and I waited four hours to Wii in front of a bunch of strangers. Beautiful presentation, nice little silver pin as a thank-you gift. The Wii is a little bigger than I expected, but it feels vey correct and I predict it will do very well. My favorite of the games they were showing were a wonderful fighter called Red Steel, Metroid Prime: Corruption and a new, silly-as-ever WarioWare title.
EA: Attended a presentation of Spore, which is progressing nicely (although you can see a better presentation by Wright himself online).
FunCom: CRAZY-strong showing this year. Dreamfall comes out very soon, but all anyone wanted to know about was Conan: the Hyborian Adventures. Had a by-appointment-only presentation and Q+A session with a director-- VERY educational-- and I can tell you right now that it's going to be my favorite MMO of all time.
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| Tuesday, May 9th, 2006
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10:02 am - masochism de lux
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So tired I could die. Worked all weekend, and I'm having trouble sleeping. There's a big swirling mess of chaos inside my head and my asthma keeps peeking in. Finally talked to the manager in charge about E3 with the best-crafted set of arguments I've ever come up with, begging for information as to why this happened again, only to be told it was all 'random'.
Random my gigantic, yellow, tattooed ASS, my good people.
Is this that 'glass ceiling' I keep hearing about, that's supposed to be nigh impenetrable in this industry? I don't want to think so because I've always sworn it doesn't exist, but if it looks like a duck and walks like a duck, it's getting harder and harder to believe it's a motherfucking penguin.
I'm sick of giving 100% and getting kicked in the teeth, but I'd still rather be kicked in the teeth by the Company than hugged somewhere else, and that's so wrong. :(
feeling: exhausted
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| Thursday, May 4th, 2006
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9:20 am - crunch time
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It's 9:20 in the morning and my boss already gifted me with a new orifice for a very simple misunderstanding that was probably my fault but certainly didn't cause any deaths or even wasted time. He CC'ed the admonishment to a bunch of people I really respect, who will probably think I'm an idiot now, like I just sit here and fuck up for a living.
My boss really hates me. He couldn't make it clearer if he tried-- socially, professionally... he just can't stand me. Why? No idea. We used to be friendly.
Between this kind of thing (uncommon, but not unheard of) and E3, I'm really starting to think it's time to re-evaluate my situation. I'll wait and let my review factor in, but I'm really starting to think I'm not only not wanted here. Actually, I started to feel that way a year ago; it's just getting harder to ignore.
And here I am, willing to sign a year lease and live in a place I hate for a job that doesn't want me and barely pays me enough to survive. I thought I'd be home by now; I thought by now I'd have made some kind of progress, but nonesuch.
I will never be one of the favorites, and there's nothing I can do about it.
I thought I was following my dreams. But what if my dream was never in my reach in the first place, and I'm just crippling my life trying to reach it?
The fight-or-flight impulse is easily overwritten; the smart thing to do for the next week is to educate myself as much as possible and meet some interesting people at E3. Maybe somewhere in the world is a company that will treat me a little better.
feeling: sad (would be 'deflated', but I was never inflated in the first place)
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| Monday, May 1st, 2006
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9:55 am - question
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9:16 am - Maaaaaaan...
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I'm an immigrant, damnit. Why do I have to work today... just because I'm legal?!
feeling: like if anyone doesn't see I'm kidding I'm going to eat their soul
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| Thursday, April 27th, 2006
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5:33 pm - Don't be too clever. Just mess up whatever.
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E3 Time, when everything moves so much faster. Speed cheats IRL. That Time of the Year. The days of the mini-crunch, the false alarm of semi-importance where the only people who will see our handiwork are people who probably shouldn't. I dust off the international smile of "please put your video camera away". I feed off E3; I love it, I hate it and then I love it some more. It takes away all our sleep and gives back... gosh, I'm not sure yet, but it must be something good because it feels phenomenal. For two weeks out of the year, I have complete job security, even when we're firing all my friends and working our tails off and other companies are offering me new worlds in little plastic-wrapped folders.
feeling: sleepy
listening to: whale / 'lose CTRL'
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| Wednesday, April 26th, 2006
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10:52 am - "35K? Are you serious?" - actual manager quote
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I finally gave in and called the manager of the apartment I was in love with (the one with the cool carpet that I looked at over the weekend), and they'd rented it to someone else. : ( Then we fired my friend Rex.
Could this day get a little more depressing? Please?
I should have stayed in the porn, should have listened to my old man...
feeling: heartbroken
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| Tuesday, April 25th, 2006
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9:25 am - open to suggestions
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Hmmm... it seems like nobody likes that idea.
Does anyone have a better one? Clear Friends, change username, Friends-Only previous entries and just continue in a different vein? I suppose that's not a terrible idea. Five years is a pretty decent run.
[And I don't want to lose his comments.]
feeling: bittersweet and curious
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| Monday, April 24th, 2006
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3:48 pm - * note *
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Fair warning: I've decided to shut this blog down after E3.
Reasons, itemized:
1) It hasn't helped me bang out the novel any faster
2) Concerned about real-life interference
3) Severing connections to people and things that hurt me for sake of soul
4) Getting a little old for this
I will start another, smaller blog elsewhere. It will be a lot more topical and not particularly personal. I'll call for email addresses when I shut down. Please do not assume that I died. :) Thanks!
In the meantime, stay tuned for a whole lot of hot, buttery booze- and stress-saturated E3 goodness!
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| Wednesday, April 19th, 2006
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11:14 am - In honor of ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) brownout
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Where would YOU rather be today?
(I'd rather be at the Huntington, drinking merlot outside the cafe and then spending as long as I damn well want in the Arabella Gallery, scrutinizing and memorizing every last angel feather and flirting with Cute Museum Boys. Failing that, I'd rather be by Nate's pool, sleeping in the sun after drinking a fizzy, sugary pineapply drink, maybe playing a little Astro Boy: Omega Factor if I can stay awake.)
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10:09 am
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| Saturday, April 15th, 2006
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12:43 pm - in some small way
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Lovely Friday evening at BJ's "Brewery" in Huntington Beach, celebrating Dan's birthday [and also Jim's selling of his business-- a very wise move on his part]. The pizza was delicious and everyone was lovely; Aaron's looking exceptionally well (getting some extra fresh air? geting laid? murdered the IT guy? only his hairdresser knows for sure!). I was unable to bring Mr. Jones along, as he was too drunk, but had a blast anyway. Happy birthday, Captain Obvious. :)
Slate ran an article about Chinesepod, which I've been using to help with my Chinese for a while; Mr. Erard likes it for the same reasons I do. I wish somebody would do something so clever in Norwegian; I need to get back up to par in time for E3, which is only a month away and promises to be a veritable zoo during which I exhaust myself running around for three days speaking all my languages and doing eight things at once and loving every second of it. Working the show is drastically different from attending; it's eight thousand times better, and this time I'm one of the leads working on the only thing we're showing! Talk about exciting... :) I hope I don't get shafted again this year-- last year I was denied a hotel room at the last minute because of my gender; I had to drive for two of the days.
I'm heading to the Spectrum now to hang out with Daryl, who came down from Washington for the weekend. It will be fabulous to see him-- it's been a year or two. Hopefully I can talk him into dinner at Ling and Louie's. Tomorrow Mr. Jones and I will accompany my remaining family for our traditional tea at the Huntington (I scored a couple of guest passes and some tulips for my mum... she'll be happily surprised).
Not a bad weekend, really. :)
feeling: 200% better than a few weeks ago
listening to: lisa ekdahl / 'lush life'
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| Monday, April 10th, 2006
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4:50 pm - when's the last time you read an entire entry before replying?
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You know, I hate that I'm a person who deletes entries when real-life friends are snarky and nasty about them in their own blogs rather than pick up the phone and talk to me about it.
Some people seriously go through their whole lives never even thinking about whether they've offended or hurt anyone. Sure, they're not as 'bad' as the flat-out sadists. Does that make them 'good'?
Some people become complete assholes after they follow ridiculously misguided theory that the opposite sex likes complete assholes. I've seen it happen. A few friends of mine hover on that border and it scares me to death.
Think about that next time you hit 'Submit Entry', and try comparing what you know of somebody [and yes, you need to know them for this to apply], what you know of their views and what sort of people they are, and compare that with your own offense at a silly (not to mention fifty-year-old) joke. Maybe something won't add up, and I can stop censoring myself because you have a problem with every other thing I say and I am a considerate person who does not exist to be inflammatory. I'm not going to take your passive-aggressive bait and respond to your snarkiness because this is my blog and that is your blog.
I have recently noticed that people who appreciate some of the vilest humor on earth can't handle it when it could conceivably apply to them. Or in this particular case, their grandfathers.
While I'm venting, I wanted to mention one more thing: sometimes folks post replies to my blog entries that make me wonder if someone else is logged into their account. We'll have had a full conversation about the topic two days prior, or exchanged a million emails on it over the course of a few years, and what they're saying... it's like they've never seen me before in their life. For whose benefit is the reply, then? Really darn confusing. Honest to Goddess, it's enough to make me wish people would just leave fluffy MySpace hearts.
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| Thursday, March 30th, 2006
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11:43 pm - I hereby declare March 31st Rhyme Day!
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Tomorrow I will rhyme like I have never rhymed before.
I suggest you follow suit, lest ye incur the wrath of Thor.
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10:48 pm - the good news
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It's not cancer.
I'd like to take this moment to thank God, the Allfather, the Lord and Lady, Buddha, Ganesh, Chuck Norris and everyone reading this. Jesus, what a scare.
The bad news is that now I'm in bed with pneumonia. :P~
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| Tuesday, March 28th, 2006
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10:18 am - 3121 ("you'll be screaming like a white lady when I count to three") - * * * 1/2
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I'm kind of digging the new Prince. No new ground is breaking, but he already broke the whole planet a few times; if this record doesn't get very good reviews, people just expect too much of too good an artist. Reading through the reviews so far, I'm a little amused at how people reach and grab for comparisons, none of which fit. Just to be subversive, I'm not going to mention a single past album. This one kicks off with a bunch of weird, groovy noise that seems to be about an orgy in a hotel room, but it goes uphill from there in terms of both subject matter and funk. Gotta have that funk. Uh!
It doesn't sound 100% hip, but that's part of its appeal. Nobody gets to sound fresh for thirty years. Does something need to sound like it just fell off the Obscurity Truck to be worthwhile? Is it even possible to be openly cool anymore? Does everybody have to be Coheed and fucking Cambria or the Arctic fucking Monkeys?
3121 is organic, but it doesn't sexually bombast you like certain inconsistent hologram-covered masterpieces. Its sensuality is more covert but it's never cold; it grows on you slowly, more like the soundtrack to the sequel to one of pop music's best movies, which might star the wife of Mei's favorite musician. (Ten points if you can tell me who my favorite musician is!) It might get another half-star by the end of the day.
Favorite tracks: sexy "Love" and "Black Sweat", religious "The Word" (Prince's God-related ideas have always been very appealing to me), the good-natured duet "Beautiful, Loved and Blessed" and dangerously tense "the Dance".
feeling: funky, but not in the smelly way
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(14 comments | comment on this)
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| Sunday, March 26th, 2006
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5:15 pm - ...
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| Friday, March 24th, 2006
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9:47 am - ...
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| Wednesday, March 22nd, 2006
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10:14 am - the traffic in my head
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CONCLUSION: He's stupid, and that's not my fault.
Stupid people have NEVER been my fault, with the notable exception of my own episodes of stupidity, which usually involved humoring other stupid people because for some stupid reason, I care about them.
Tomorrow I'm getting a free cervix piercing, courtesy of a trigger happy doctor who thinks I might have cancer. It's probably going to hurt like a mofo; I took the whole day off just in case. [Anyone out there had one of these whatchamacallit-otomies? What glorious delights await me?]
I've been smoking and taking the Pill for fifteen years and drinking like a fish for twenty. Cancer wiped out the few relatives who didn't die violently, I'm 'active' (such a delicate-sounding classification!), I hate healthy food, I have a blood disorder that would kill me if left unchecked and I've been eaten alive by stress for the past few years. It's a minor miracle my fucking head hasn't fallen off. So sure, it could be cancer. I never really thought about it enough to be frightened until now, and it seems premature to freak out at this point.
Not gonna freak out. Not gonna freak out. Not gonna... oh my fucking god.
listening to: alison moyet / 'it won't be long'
feeling: scared
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